Why I Hit The Gym!

From Askmen.com


Dear Curt,

My wife and I lived together for ten years before deciding to get married. We've been married for five years now but I'm starting to wonder if getting married was the right decision. You see, my wife used to weigh 110 lbs, but since we've been married she has put on an extra 15 lbs each year and now weighs over 175lbs. In case you're wondering; no, we still haven't had children.

Of course this is the least of my problems. It seems that since we've been married, oral sex is a thing of the past -- extinct. The sex between us is just as bad. At most, we have it twice a month and I'm embarrassed to say that it is always in the missionary position because I cannot tolerate her weight on top of me. Tell me why in the world do women change after marriage vows? Had I known this was going to happen, I would have remained content with just living together for the rest of our lives.

- S.V

Here is what Curt in explaining that men don't really know their wives until the marriage, had to say;

"The "chick" you met at the local bookstore becomes a completely different person when she is your girlfriend, the girlfriend becomes a completely different person when she is your fiance, and the fiance becomes the complete opposite once she is your wife. Still don't understand? Ludwig Borne put it best when he said, "A sweetheart is milk, a bride is butter and a wife is cheese."

Now before everyone sends hate mail and death threats, let me add that my theory applies to both genders. To a woman a boyfriend is like wine, a groom is like cocktails and a husband is like flat beer.

A wedding transforms both men and women. For whatever reason, spouses begin to take each other for granted. It is probably because they know that they'll be together until death do us part. Maybe someone should change the vows to until death do us part or until you gain fifty pounds -- whichever comes first. This may sound a little harsh, but it would probably keep the vow exchangers on their toes."

You know what came to my mind? This!!!

funnypic

LOL, get the picture? Unfortunately, women are the most disadvantaged because "our men cannot detach their eyes from their hearts" The two are life companions. Meaning; he will be the first to see you're adding too much weight or becoming way too skinny for his liking.

So recently, I and hubby decided to heed Curt's advice to married couples below;

"Don't be blunt. Instead of saying I want you to lose weight flat out, try something like, It's important that we stay in shape in order to remain healthy, so why don't we start exercising together? After the request is made, follow through. Practise what you preach, join the local gym, go cycling, jogging, or if you are really out of shape, start slowly with morning walks and don't forget to cut down on those nachos. The important thing is that you do the exercises together. Essentially the relationship will become stronger, if not for the physical part then definitely for the time spent together".

If your spouse has mentioned your weight more than twice lately or your spouse's weight has crossed your mind more than once recently, why don't you give this advice a thought!

Compromise in Marriage -The Healthy and Unhealthy Side

Selfneglect.blogspot.com

It is public knowledge that marriage isn't a fun game. Neither is it a bed of roses. In fact marriage is the only institution you enroll into without a graduation date in sight.

Many believe that a key factor to building a successful marriage is compromise.

Compromise means a settlement of differences in which each side makes concessions; the result of such settlement.

However a more working definition of compromise in real life, real time marriage will be  'a settlement of differences in which one side gives in'.

While Dr. Corey Marriage therapist argues that compromise in marriage may be unhealthy, in that each party goes away equally  unhappy, a whole lot more other marriage experts believe that Compromise is a needed ingredient in a successful marriage.

Picture you and your spouse arriving at a deadlock in your choice of what color to paint your sitting room for instance, your husband has countless points to support why it should be green and you the wife has a million other reasons why it should be multicolored. Without, the two of you coming to an agreement ( a compromise) where one person will agree to the reasons proffered by the other even though if they had a choice they will remain resolute, the sitting room will not only remain unpainted but the two of you may end up not on talking terms for sometime, depending on how well you understand each other.

Since, it has been established that no marriage no matter how happy, is devoid of arguments and disagreements ( in facts, healthy arguments are needed in any relationship  because it allows you to voice your opinion while giving you  a sense of belonging and importance), Braniac in How to compromise in marriage gives these three simple but effective steps to compromise.

1.   During an arguement, it is hard to keep an open mind. Try not to yell, but talk in a normal voice. It is easier to keep yourself calm and not say things that you don't want to regret later.

2. Discuss your differences and if there is still no result, agree to disagree ( Compromise). Doing this is perfectly normal. You don't have to have all the same opinions as your spouse to be able to get along.

3. After an arguement, make plans together on what each of you can do to avoid the same issue again. Ask what each of you can do to improve your current relationship, and also use the time to discuss any other issues that you may be having.

I am going to add a fourth one;

4. Ensure you make a joke out of the situation afterwards, to avoid feeling hemmed in and  unhappy .

New Couple and Deciding Where To Settle?

One of the most vital decisions a couple can make is deciding where to settle and make their home as a family.
Usually, moving places has never been easy, more so when you now have to take family's present and future interests into considerations.

As a single man or woman,what basically determines where you settle is your job. Unfortunately even as couples, I have discovered that this is no different.

Deciding to live where you can find a job is good but choosing a place where you can fit in and a place that best supports your core values and will offer long term rewards is better.This is because every job is temporal but you will have to permanently deal with family and personal non-work interests.

Here are a few of the issues I and my husband has averted our minds to in deciding where to finally call home.

1. Which city offers us the opportunity to improve ourselves and reach our career potentials and even affords us career flexibility? That would be the perfect place.

2. Where can we make a contribution / an impact that will not be drowned as a result of over crowding. You know the philosophy about 'finding a need and meeting it?.

3. A place where we will be celebrated is better than than where we will be tolerated. For example, a place where diverse cultures and colors are already accepted will be better than a place where they are shunned.

4. If we say we are raising kids outside our home country, how will the society they are going to grow up in perceive them? What does history have about 'people like us' and where we want to settle? Because history always has a way of repeating itself. Ever wondered why blacks flock the UK, the US? Ever wondered why every tribe in Nigeria feels at home in Lagos? The explanation is above!

5. Lastly, we have decided not settle anywhere that is inaccessible (meaning it could be far but they would not be precluded from visiting, especially by any law) to family and friends because in the long run nothing is as important as family and relationships!

How To Tell Your Spouse is Emotionally Abusive!

Abuse permeates our nation's society today. It can be blatant and obvious, as in spousal abuse, or it can be hidden in behaviors that manipulate or neglect. When the behavior is not obvious, recognition is usually possible by examining patterns of behavior.

More recognized forms of emotional abuse are control by fear, control by manipulation and control by withdrawing affection or ignoring a spouse.If your spouse is a bully, it is likely that you live in fear of upsetting him. I've known spouses (and kids) who walked on eggshells in their own home. The only time they resembled their old personality was when they were out of the home with friends. That person might be you.

Control and manipulation are other forms of emotional abuse. Being forced or tricked into doing things we don't want to do is manipulation. Some spouses play the guilt card often; another form of emotional abuse. Guilt trips never end well.

Withdrawing affection is a game that women play better than men because we are more relational than men. A woman who can remain cool toward her husband just might get that vacation she has been dreaming of for a while. The spouse may not have a clue what the problem is but is only too glad to agree to the vacation if it ends the standoff in his marriage.

Just about the worst form of emotional abuse is to be treated as if you don't exist. You have no voice that is heard because you are being ignored. The result is feelings of isolation and separation from the spouse. Its a punishment for some unknown offense and its emotional abuse.

Neglect is also abuse.

If you have an emotional abuser for a spouse, the best thing you can do is get some help for yourself. If he'll go with you, thats great. If not, do it for yourself.

As written by Mona in ...Helium.com

References

The First Five Years Rule of Marriage.

I was chatting with a friend yesterday and we talked about newly weds and all the challenges we face. Something important struck me in the middle of the discussion and I will like to call it 'the first five years rule of marriage'.

My friend said " apart from determining the places you will call home and how big a family you want to have, the first five years also determines what resources/contributions you both are bringing into the relationship" Resources here is not only material but includes psychological, emotional and spiritual resources.

Marriage as we know it, is a union of two people and as in every other union it cannot be one sided. It's like having two legs and choosing to walk with only one. That one leg may carry the body but will definitely feel the strain and may eventually give in to the strain of carrying the whole body.

According to a research, The Connubial Crucible, the first two years of marriage are critical to how happily or unhappily married the couple will be in the later years of marriage. The study looked at 156 couples who were married for the first time in 1981.

Researchers discovered that after 13 years:
68 couples were happily married
32 couples were unhappily married
56 couples had divorced

The couples who divorced within the first two years showed signs of disillusionment and were negative  toward one another in the first two months of their marriage. It is a sign of trouble if a newlywed couple starts to have disillusionment within the first year. The couples who are still happily married are couples who were able to have positive feelings about their spouse in the first two years.

If you find yourself a bit depressed after your wedding, it's okay. Honeymoon blues are normal. You've both been caught up in time consuming wedding preparations. It is a sure bet that once you don't have that stress to deal with, you will have a sense of loss. It's similar to the post holiday let down that many people experience.

However, it is important NOT TO ignore this period of depression. Being prepared for the newlywed blues can help you get past them. It's time to move on to setting the marital stage for the rest of your lives together.

As mentioned by Dr. Huston's study, a top priority for newlyweds should be keeping romance alive.

This is where the next three years comes in.

Other priorities a couple needs to face the first few years  of marriage include: 

1. Choosing their career paths;

2. Deciding where to call home;

3. Coming to terms on how to allocate and handle money;

4. Discussing expectations;

5. Setting goals;

4. Deciding who's going to do what chores;

5. Coming up with ways to spend  free time;

6. Finding time to have sex;

7. Understanding differences including spirituality; and

8. Learning how to deal with conflicts.

Getting these things right the first five years can make all the differnce between a blissful marriage and a marriage headed for the rocks!

Overcoming Peer Pressure in Marriage

The usual thing that comes to mind when peer pressure is mentioned, is youth/teen peer pressure because this is the mostly popularized type of peer pressure.

But in our everyday life even as married people we experience peer pressure in different forms and from different groups of people around us.
More often than not women are the victims of such pressures because women are more likely to 'clique up' where ever they find themselves.

Peer pressure in marriage may range from pressure to join a certain group, clique or  association in your neighborhood, pressure to conform to certain standards existing within a clique or maintain certain perceived social standards, to pressure from peers to run your home in a particular way or raise your kids up in a perceived better way.

For instance, if in a neighborhood reading group five out of seven women say "oh I will never allow my husband do that" The other two may begin to think that maybe they have been making a mistake all along in allowing in the same things even though it has never been a source of squabble of any kind between them and their husbands.

The truth is that what works for one home may not work for another. A woman may resort to nagging in other to get her husband to do what she considers "the right thing" basically because that's what her friends and their families are doing. In doing this, she may forget to consider their peculiar circumstances and in turn anger her husband, who may not react to such suggestions the way the other woman's husband reacted to it.

Your child does not have to go to a particular private school, because that's where all the supposedly rich kids go to and each year the fees are hiked up you squeeze your blood to pay it, because it can not be said that you withdrew your child. Even though if you look around you will find good schools that may not cost as much and that may even give more attention to your child's welfare.
That is what I call pressure, it consistently puts you in competition with others even when you don't know it and makes you want to live up to accepted standards.

Another type of peer pressure exist in the "high class world", funny enough this craze follows a lot of women into their homes. This is the type of pressure that makes you think less of yourself if at the moment you cannot wear the type of bags in vogue or type of hair everyone is wearing or even makes you avoid being seen at some eateries (because it's low classed), even if they serve your favorite dish.

Negative Peer pressure makes you deny yourself, while trying to live your life from other peoples perspective and it is no respecter of age
.
I saw it while in Law School, girls borrowed family and friend's cars to come to school just to measure up to standards their cliques have set. Some of these girls have gone ahead to marry and if they didn't check it, they may probably have to borrow clothes to attend functions just because they do not want to fall behind other women.

My two pence is find out what rocks your family boat, you can have friends but never let them affect you in this manner, refuse to be pressured into conforming to what others think is the standard. Always define your own standards.

Family Influence in Marriage

Coming from Africa specifically Nigeria, I  am not a stranger to the long family ties that is customary in many parts of Africa.

For example, I know my mum's home town ( have been made to visit the place) and my granny's home town ( even though I have never been there) and everyone in their lineage whether I will ever meet them or not, are all relatives, so also my dad's. In my culture, no matter where I meet them, we can never get married. These people are considered brothers, sisters, aunts , uncles and great uncles or aunts. 

This may not be your case however, especially if you come from societies in  other parts of the world where you are allowed to marry your second cousins or even your first cousins or where you family ties may not  go beyond the second generation. 

This extended family ties in practice in some parts of the world like mine, may yet be the unmaking of some marriages. I once learnt of a marriage that broke up the next morning after the wedding because the new wife's mother-in-law insisted on going to church ( for thanksgiving) in the particular shoe the bride wore the previous day. Wife refused, woman tells one of her sons the new wife is insulting her and before long it was a war zone between the two families, police was invited to stop the early morning fight and the marriage was history.

In a society where your spouse's uncle feels he has a say in your marriage (because he sees your spouse as his son/daughter,or sometimes feels even more in the marriage than the parents), and believes he has a right to crash sleep at your place if he happens to be in town, new couples would need to take a firmer stand on what is a YES and what is a NO  in their new home.

I have again, personally met couples who almost separated in the first few years of their marriage because one party did not understand why the other spouse, felt a compulsory obligation to help so and so person(s) or why they can't say there's no room for the August visitor and opt for commercial accommodation instead. This will most definitely be your case if your marriage cuts across cultures.

A lot of times in Nigeria for instance, your spouse's position in the family may determine what his obligations are likely to be . If your spouse is the first in the family( say first son or daughter), be sure he/she will be responsible for some of the younger ones and the tendencies of their parents wanting to have a say in their affairs may be higher.

This works both ways, as an African getting married to a European you may find yourself moving from the normal large family circle you are used to, into a very close circuited one which you may not easily adjust to. If you love family life, find out if your mum or his mum can come over sometimes.

The right thing to do, would be to find out what the moral, societal and family obligations of your spouse are, ( for example, if you are getting married to a Nigerian, Chinese or an Indian where family interference is still high) and also to ascertain your spouse's stand on issues such as family ties and boundaries.

Secondly, insist on never talking about your marriage to a third party family member except you want to show them the door into your home.  Make it a rule to only talk to professionals in case of any marital issues. If its medically related see a doctor, if its legal see a lawyer and when its spiritual you know who to talk to, these people work within the bounds of their professional ethics.

Sometimes, joining extra curricular activity groups or forums dealing with a particular issue ( assuming you feel the urge to talk to someone) may work better, since non of the members will feel the obligation to come into your home outside the schedule of the forum's activities.

Lastly, to minimize family interference in your home never share an apartment with family or continue staying in    family house after marriage. Couples should endeavor to start a new home, properly so called,.

Let's hear your personal experiences on this issue and/or opinions on how to minimize family influence/interference in marriage.

Wedding Night jitters!

Whether you got  married as a virgin or not or you have had loads of it with your partner before marriage , a lot still goes into trying to make your wedding night a memorable one. This is because couples want to remember their wedding night for a long time.
It is however not out of place that a huge number of couples end up not able to make love on their wedding night because of the stress and fatigue associated with wedding planning/ceremonies and parties. If this turns out to be your case, don't worry, ensure the nights to follow make up for this.

Below are some tips that will help you enjoy your first night together as a couple

Plan to avoid wedding mishaps

As much as it lies within their power, couples should plan to avoid wedding mishaps. Too much alcohol and food  should be avoided. Many marriages start cracking up few hours after the wedding and a lot of it is owed to heavy drinking. You will enjoy your day but do not dance till you are dizzy and your feet starts aching. Also, delegate most of the chores that may demand your personal attention to a close/trusted ally, this way you will be sure not to pass out from exhaustion as soon as you hit the bed.

Prepare your body and mind for sex

Firstly, if you are getting married as a virgin, you should prepare your body and mind for sex. Sex is as much a physical thing as it is a psychological thing. A good disposition towards sex (for instance majoring on all the good things you have been told sex can do to your marriage) will help you relax and enjoy your first time sex. Women can feel pain the first time they have sex, but there are things you can do to minimize the pain – from going slow and being patient to using a lubricant. Be sure you know what to do before your wedding night.

Foreplay 

Foreplay is key to having satisfied sex. No matter how tired both of you are after the wedding party, you can not jeopardize your chances of a blissful first night by not engaging in foreplay . You and your partner must work together to put yourselves in the mood and ensure everyone is sizzling hot!

Talk to your partner, be intimate.
If you are feeling jittery about your wedding night, chances are your partner is too. The only remedy is to schedule a time both of you can talk about it and be as honest as ever in the discussion. Tell the truth about what you expect your wedding night to look like and be sure to share your sexual fantasies.

Express your love

Love they say, is expressed. The key to finding the perfect expression of love, however, is knowing the person you married.  You can try hugging, kissing, cuddling or whispering sweet nothings, but in all be sure that your message of affection is passed across effectively.

Set a romantic mood

Preparation can make all the difference when it comes to wedding night sex. After the ceremony and festivities, you might be exhausted. But you can make sure there will be champagne on ice, rose petals on the floor and a few candles. Either take care of it yourself the morning of the wedding or ask someone you trust to do it for you. Make sure you pack your fancy underwear and lingerie for the wedding night, too. If you forget that, however, nudity always works well.

Plan your sex life from day one

Think of your wedding night as the first night of the rest of your sex life. From the start of your sexual relationship, you should be open and comfortable with one another. You should also take responsibility for your own sexual pleasure. In other words, make a plan on how you are going to continue to pleasure one another and keep things exciting.

Keep up the passion

Married sex runs the risk of getting boring. For couples who have had lots of sex ahead of the wedding night, this can happen from the very first night. You can however spice up the passion by playing sex games and being a little more adventurous .

If you want to know more go to Guide to wedding night sex

Its My Wedding 2

I will start this post with the quote,

"After the chills and fever of love, how nice is the 98.6º of marriage"  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotics Notebook, 1960.

How aptly put! Our objective here is to try and discover, why the so chilly feelings of love which envelopes the proposal and wedding celebrations period , fade away too soon after the wedding or in the worst case scenarios usher in divorce proceedings or "celebrations" as some now see it.

One thing we have pointed out is that, a lot of women ( we will stick with the ladies) don't plan for their marriage. They plan for their wedding! They allow the euphoria of the wedding take their focus away from the main game. 

Incidentally, there are no marriage planners  ( as against wedding planners ) , which means its a job you have to do yourself, for yourself.

Marriage is to be planned for, even before you get proposed to and the planning continues way beyond the wedding.

The same way you , don't expect to see that sumptuous meal in your head, on the table without preparing or buying it, is the same way you shouldn 't expect to see the fairy tale marriage in your head, without working it out.

We  ladies should know that marriage is a union between the 'imperfect you' and the 'imperfect him', trying to find a common ground of perfection. This  means  that , if  there  are  vital  qualities  you  can  not  compromise  in  а man  then  always   make  sure  that  those  qualities  are  there  before  you  say  yes .

Have you ever wondered why some couples separate because " I love and want kids, he doesn't he loves his job" Seriously? Were you so blindly in love that you never noticed, he would readily shift tables because the kids over there were making noise? No I don't think so, you probably took it for granted that he will love kids too.
Bottom line is, if we really understand what it is we want to get into (the union called marriage) we will start planning for it from the word go!

Its My Wedding!

Congratulations! Guess you heard it a million times already.
What bride is there, that is not happy landing a man of her fantasies or having a celebrity studded, talk of the town type of wedding? Not you and definitely not me!
However I am going to be talking about some of of the things some brides probably don't get to be told or that some would rather close their ears to, that is Life after the Wedding!
A lot of hip and activity is put into planning and organizing modern weddings while little is done about the marriage proper.
Most brides-to-be, will tell you that, they were told "This is your day, you have to make it as beautiful as you want and enjoy it to the full" , "Spare nothing for your day, it's once in a life time"
There is only one thing wrong with the above statements, it suggests marriage to mean the DAY of your Wedding, which of course we know is false because, you just got started on your wedding day..

Photo graphics source-HotGlitters

The farthest, most pals and family members go in  trying to determine whether the couple will be happy in the marriage will be to ask " Do you love him/her?" As if to say that Love is all the ingredient it will take for a successful marriage. Sorry to burst your bubble; NO DARLING, LOVE IS NOT ALL IT TAKES!
I heard these same words when I started my wedding plans, and Yes I had a lovely wedding! But then I also heard that there is a difference between "the wedding" and "the marriage", so I prepared for both.
Don't get me wrong, I have not been married for long to prove it all, but just as I did all it took to make sure I had the wedding of my dreams, I am also going to do all it takes to make sure I have the marriage of my dreams. This is where a lot of women  fail.

Stay on, we will crack this!