Why I Hit The Gym!

From Askmen.com


Dear Curt,

My wife and I lived together for ten years before deciding to get married. We've been married for five years now but I'm starting to wonder if getting married was the right decision. You see, my wife used to weigh 110 lbs, but since we've been married she has put on an extra 15 lbs each year and now weighs over 175lbs. In case you're wondering; no, we still haven't had children.

Of course this is the least of my problems. It seems that since we've been married, oral sex is a thing of the past -- extinct. The sex between us is just as bad. At most, we have it twice a month and I'm embarrassed to say that it is always in the missionary position because I cannot tolerate her weight on top of me. Tell me why in the world do women change after marriage vows? Had I known this was going to happen, I would have remained content with just living together for the rest of our lives.

- S.V

Here is what Curt in explaining that men don't really know their wives until the marriage, had to say;

"The "chick" you met at the local bookstore becomes a completely different person when she is your girlfriend, the girlfriend becomes a completely different person when she is your fiance, and the fiance becomes the complete opposite once she is your wife. Still don't understand? Ludwig Borne put it best when he said, "A sweetheart is milk, a bride is butter and a wife is cheese."

Now before everyone sends hate mail and death threats, let me add that my theory applies to both genders. To a woman a boyfriend is like wine, a groom is like cocktails and a husband is like flat beer.

A wedding transforms both men and women. For whatever reason, spouses begin to take each other for granted. It is probably because they know that they'll be together until death do us part. Maybe someone should change the vows to until death do us part or until you gain fifty pounds -- whichever comes first. This may sound a little harsh, but it would probably keep the vow exchangers on their toes."

You know what came to my mind? This!!!

funnypic

LOL, get the picture? Unfortunately, women are the most disadvantaged because "our men cannot detach their eyes from their hearts" The two are life companions. Meaning; he will be the first to see you're adding too much weight or becoming way too skinny for his liking.

So recently, I and hubby decided to heed Curt's advice to married couples below;

"Don't be blunt. Instead of saying I want you to lose weight flat out, try something like, It's important that we stay in shape in order to remain healthy, so why don't we start exercising together? After the request is made, follow through. Practise what you preach, join the local gym, go cycling, jogging, or if you are really out of shape, start slowly with morning walks and don't forget to cut down on those nachos. The important thing is that you do the exercises together. Essentially the relationship will become stronger, if not for the physical part then definitely for the time spent together".

If your spouse has mentioned your weight more than twice lately or your spouse's weight has crossed your mind more than once recently, why don't you give this advice a thought!

Compromise in Marriage -The Healthy and Unhealthy Side

Selfneglect.blogspot.com

It is public knowledge that marriage isn't a fun game. Neither is it a bed of roses. In fact marriage is the only institution you enroll into without a graduation date in sight.

Many believe that a key factor to building a successful marriage is compromise.

Compromise means a settlement of differences in which each side makes concessions; the result of such settlement.

However a more working definition of compromise in real life, real time marriage will be  'a settlement of differences in which one side gives in'.

While Dr. Corey Marriage therapist argues that compromise in marriage may be unhealthy, in that each party goes away equally  unhappy, a whole lot more other marriage experts believe that Compromise is a needed ingredient in a successful marriage.

Picture you and your spouse arriving at a deadlock in your choice of what color to paint your sitting room for instance, your husband has countless points to support why it should be green and you the wife has a million other reasons why it should be multicolored. Without, the two of you coming to an agreement ( a compromise) where one person will agree to the reasons proffered by the other even though if they had a choice they will remain resolute, the sitting room will not only remain unpainted but the two of you may end up not on talking terms for sometime, depending on how well you understand each other.

Since, it has been established that no marriage no matter how happy, is devoid of arguments and disagreements ( in facts, healthy arguments are needed in any relationship  because it allows you to voice your opinion while giving you  a sense of belonging and importance), Braniac in How to compromise in marriage gives these three simple but effective steps to compromise.

1.   During an arguement, it is hard to keep an open mind. Try not to yell, but talk in a normal voice. It is easier to keep yourself calm and not say things that you don't want to regret later.

2. Discuss your differences and if there is still no result, agree to disagree ( Compromise). Doing this is perfectly normal. You don't have to have all the same opinions as your spouse to be able to get along.

3. After an arguement, make plans together on what each of you can do to avoid the same issue again. Ask what each of you can do to improve your current relationship, and also use the time to discuss any other issues that you may be having.

I am going to add a fourth one;

4. Ensure you make a joke out of the situation afterwards, to avoid feeling hemmed in and  unhappy .

New Couple and Deciding Where To Settle?

One of the most vital decisions a couple can make is deciding where to settle and make their home as a family.
Usually, moving places has never been easy, more so when you now have to take family's present and future interests into considerations.

As a single man or woman,what basically determines where you settle is your job. Unfortunately even as couples, I have discovered that this is no different.

Deciding to live where you can find a job is good but choosing a place where you can fit in and a place that best supports your core values and will offer long term rewards is better.This is because every job is temporal but you will have to permanently deal with family and personal non-work interests.

Here are a few of the issues I and my husband has averted our minds to in deciding where to finally call home.

1. Which city offers us the opportunity to improve ourselves and reach our career potentials and even affords us career flexibility? That would be the perfect place.

2. Where can we make a contribution / an impact that will not be drowned as a result of over crowding. You know the philosophy about 'finding a need and meeting it?.

3. A place where we will be celebrated is better than than where we will be tolerated. For example, a place where diverse cultures and colors are already accepted will be better than a place where they are shunned.

4. If we say we are raising kids outside our home country, how will the society they are going to grow up in perceive them? What does history have about 'people like us' and where we want to settle? Because history always has a way of repeating itself. Ever wondered why blacks flock the UK, the US? Ever wondered why every tribe in Nigeria feels at home in Lagos? The explanation is above!

5. Lastly, we have decided not settle anywhere that is inaccessible (meaning it could be far but they would not be precluded from visiting, especially by any law) to family and friends because in the long run nothing is as important as family and relationships!

How To Tell Your Spouse is Emotionally Abusive!

Abuse permeates our nation's society today. It can be blatant and obvious, as in spousal abuse, or it can be hidden in behaviors that manipulate or neglect. When the behavior is not obvious, recognition is usually possible by examining patterns of behavior.

More recognized forms of emotional abuse are control by fear, control by manipulation and control by withdrawing affection or ignoring a spouse.If your spouse is a bully, it is likely that you live in fear of upsetting him. I've known spouses (and kids) who walked on eggshells in their own home. The only time they resembled their old personality was when they were out of the home with friends. That person might be you.

Control and manipulation are other forms of emotional abuse. Being forced or tricked into doing things we don't want to do is manipulation. Some spouses play the guilt card often; another form of emotional abuse. Guilt trips never end well.

Withdrawing affection is a game that women play better than men because we are more relational than men. A woman who can remain cool toward her husband just might get that vacation she has been dreaming of for a while. The spouse may not have a clue what the problem is but is only too glad to agree to the vacation if it ends the standoff in his marriage.

Just about the worst form of emotional abuse is to be treated as if you don't exist. You have no voice that is heard because you are being ignored. The result is feelings of isolation and separation from the spouse. Its a punishment for some unknown offense and its emotional abuse.

Neglect is also abuse.

If you have an emotional abuser for a spouse, the best thing you can do is get some help for yourself. If he'll go with you, thats great. If not, do it for yourself.

As written by Mona in ...Helium.com

References

The First Five Years Rule of Marriage.

I was chatting with a friend yesterday and we talked about newly weds and all the challenges we face. Something important struck me in the middle of the discussion and I will like to call it 'the first five years rule of marriage'.

My friend said " apart from determining the places you will call home and how big a family you want to have, the first five years also determines what resources/contributions you both are bringing into the relationship" Resources here is not only material but includes psychological, emotional and spiritual resources.

Marriage as we know it, is a union of two people and as in every other union it cannot be one sided. It's like having two legs and choosing to walk with only one. That one leg may carry the body but will definitely feel the strain and may eventually give in to the strain of carrying the whole body.

According to a research, The Connubial Crucible, the first two years of marriage are critical to how happily or unhappily married the couple will be in the later years of marriage. The study looked at 156 couples who were married for the first time in 1981.

Researchers discovered that after 13 years:
68 couples were happily married
32 couples were unhappily married
56 couples had divorced

The couples who divorced within the first two years showed signs of disillusionment and were negative  toward one another in the first two months of their marriage. It is a sign of trouble if a newlywed couple starts to have disillusionment within the first year. The couples who are still happily married are couples who were able to have positive feelings about their spouse in the first two years.

If you find yourself a bit depressed after your wedding, it's okay. Honeymoon blues are normal. You've both been caught up in time consuming wedding preparations. It is a sure bet that once you don't have that stress to deal with, you will have a sense of loss. It's similar to the post holiday let down that many people experience.

However, it is important NOT TO ignore this period of depression. Being prepared for the newlywed blues can help you get past them. It's time to move on to setting the marital stage for the rest of your lives together.

As mentioned by Dr. Huston's study, a top priority for newlyweds should be keeping romance alive.

This is where the next three years comes in.

Other priorities a couple needs to face the first few years  of marriage include: 

1. Choosing their career paths;

2. Deciding where to call home;

3. Coming to terms on how to allocate and handle money;

4. Discussing expectations;

5. Setting goals;

4. Deciding who's going to do what chores;

5. Coming up with ways to spend  free time;

6. Finding time to have sex;

7. Understanding differences including spirituality; and

8. Learning how to deal with conflicts.

Getting these things right the first five years can make all the differnce between a blissful marriage and a marriage headed for the rocks!