Family Influence in Marriage

Coming from Africa specifically Nigeria, I  am not a stranger to the long family ties that is customary in many parts of Africa.

For example, I know my mum's home town ( have been made to visit the place) and my granny's home town ( even though I have never been there) and everyone in their lineage whether I will ever meet them or not, are all relatives, so also my dad's. In my culture, no matter where I meet them, we can never get married. These people are considered brothers, sisters, aunts , uncles and great uncles or aunts. 

This may not be your case however, especially if you come from societies in  other parts of the world where you are allowed to marry your second cousins or even your first cousins or where you family ties may not  go beyond the second generation. 

This extended family ties in practice in some parts of the world like mine, may yet be the unmaking of some marriages. I once learnt of a marriage that broke up the next morning after the wedding because the new wife's mother-in-law insisted on going to church ( for thanksgiving) in the particular shoe the bride wore the previous day. Wife refused, woman tells one of her sons the new wife is insulting her and before long it was a war zone between the two families, police was invited to stop the early morning fight and the marriage was history.

In a society where your spouse's uncle feels he has a say in your marriage (because he sees your spouse as his son/daughter,or sometimes feels even more in the marriage than the parents), and believes he has a right to crash sleep at your place if he happens to be in town, new couples would need to take a firmer stand on what is a YES and what is a NO  in their new home.

I have again, personally met couples who almost separated in the first few years of their marriage because one party did not understand why the other spouse, felt a compulsory obligation to help so and so person(s) or why they can't say there's no room for the August visitor and opt for commercial accommodation instead. This will most definitely be your case if your marriage cuts across cultures.

A lot of times in Nigeria for instance, your spouse's position in the family may determine what his obligations are likely to be . If your spouse is the first in the family( say first son or daughter), be sure he/she will be responsible for some of the younger ones and the tendencies of their parents wanting to have a say in their affairs may be higher.

This works both ways, as an African getting married to a European you may find yourself moving from the normal large family circle you are used to, into a very close circuited one which you may not easily adjust to. If you love family life, find out if your mum or his mum can come over sometimes.

The right thing to do, would be to find out what the moral, societal and family obligations of your spouse are, ( for example, if you are getting married to a Nigerian, Chinese or an Indian where family interference is still high) and also to ascertain your spouse's stand on issues such as family ties and boundaries.

Secondly, insist on never talking about your marriage to a third party family member except you want to show them the door into your home.  Make it a rule to only talk to professionals in case of any marital issues. If its medically related see a doctor, if its legal see a lawyer and when its spiritual you know who to talk to, these people work within the bounds of their professional ethics.

Sometimes, joining extra curricular activity groups or forums dealing with a particular issue ( assuming you feel the urge to talk to someone) may work better, since non of the members will feel the obligation to come into your home outside the schedule of the forum's activities.

Lastly, to minimize family interference in your home never share an apartment with family or continue staying in    family house after marriage. Couples should endeavor to start a new home, properly so called,.

Let's hear your personal experiences on this issue and/or opinions on how to minimize family influence/interference in marriage.