Overcoming Peer Pressure in Marriage

The usual thing that comes to mind when peer pressure is mentioned, is youth/teen peer pressure because this is the mostly popularized type of peer pressure.

But in our everyday life even as married people we experience peer pressure in different forms and from different groups of people around us.
More often than not women are the victims of such pressures because women are more likely to 'clique up' where ever they find themselves.

Peer pressure in marriage may range from pressure to join a certain group, clique or  association in your neighborhood, pressure to conform to certain standards existing within a clique or maintain certain perceived social standards, to pressure from peers to run your home in a particular way or raise your kids up in a perceived better way.

For instance, if in a neighborhood reading group five out of seven women say "oh I will never allow my husband do that" The other two may begin to think that maybe they have been making a mistake all along in allowing in the same things even though it has never been a source of squabble of any kind between them and their husbands.

The truth is that what works for one home may not work for another. A woman may resort to nagging in other to get her husband to do what she considers "the right thing" basically because that's what her friends and their families are doing. In doing this, she may forget to consider their peculiar circumstances and in turn anger her husband, who may not react to such suggestions the way the other woman's husband reacted to it.

Your child does not have to go to a particular private school, because that's where all the supposedly rich kids go to and each year the fees are hiked up you squeeze your blood to pay it, because it can not be said that you withdrew your child. Even though if you look around you will find good schools that may not cost as much and that may even give more attention to your child's welfare.
That is what I call pressure, it consistently puts you in competition with others even when you don't know it and makes you want to live up to accepted standards.

Another type of peer pressure exist in the "high class world", funny enough this craze follows a lot of women into their homes. This is the type of pressure that makes you think less of yourself if at the moment you cannot wear the type of bags in vogue or type of hair everyone is wearing or even makes you avoid being seen at some eateries (because it's low classed), even if they serve your favorite dish.

Negative Peer pressure makes you deny yourself, while trying to live your life from other peoples perspective and it is no respecter of age
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I saw it while in Law School, girls borrowed family and friend's cars to come to school just to measure up to standards their cliques have set. Some of these girls have gone ahead to marry and if they didn't check it, they may probably have to borrow clothes to attend functions just because they do not want to fall behind other women.

My two pence is find out what rocks your family boat, you can have friends but never let them affect you in this manner, refuse to be pressured into conforming to what others think is the standard. Always define your own standards.

Family Influence in Marriage

Coming from Africa specifically Nigeria, I  am not a stranger to the long family ties that is customary in many parts of Africa.

For example, I know my mum's home town ( have been made to visit the place) and my granny's home town ( even though I have never been there) and everyone in their lineage whether I will ever meet them or not, are all relatives, so also my dad's. In my culture, no matter where I meet them, we can never get married. These people are considered brothers, sisters, aunts , uncles and great uncles or aunts. 

This may not be your case however, especially if you come from societies in  other parts of the world where you are allowed to marry your second cousins or even your first cousins or where you family ties may not  go beyond the second generation. 

This extended family ties in practice in some parts of the world like mine, may yet be the unmaking of some marriages. I once learnt of a marriage that broke up the next morning after the wedding because the new wife's mother-in-law insisted on going to church ( for thanksgiving) in the particular shoe the bride wore the previous day. Wife refused, woman tells one of her sons the new wife is insulting her and before long it was a war zone between the two families, police was invited to stop the early morning fight and the marriage was history.

In a society where your spouse's uncle feels he has a say in your marriage (because he sees your spouse as his son/daughter,or sometimes feels even more in the marriage than the parents), and believes he has a right to crash sleep at your place if he happens to be in town, new couples would need to take a firmer stand on what is a YES and what is a NO  in their new home.

I have again, personally met couples who almost separated in the first few years of their marriage because one party did not understand why the other spouse, felt a compulsory obligation to help so and so person(s) or why they can't say there's no room for the August visitor and opt for commercial accommodation instead. This will most definitely be your case if your marriage cuts across cultures.

A lot of times in Nigeria for instance, your spouse's position in the family may determine what his obligations are likely to be . If your spouse is the first in the family( say first son or daughter), be sure he/she will be responsible for some of the younger ones and the tendencies of their parents wanting to have a say in their affairs may be higher.

This works both ways, as an African getting married to a European you may find yourself moving from the normal large family circle you are used to, into a very close circuited one which you may not easily adjust to. If you love family life, find out if your mum or his mum can come over sometimes.

The right thing to do, would be to find out what the moral, societal and family obligations of your spouse are, ( for example, if you are getting married to a Nigerian, Chinese or an Indian where family interference is still high) and also to ascertain your spouse's stand on issues such as family ties and boundaries.

Secondly, insist on never talking about your marriage to a third party family member except you want to show them the door into your home.  Make it a rule to only talk to professionals in case of any marital issues. If its medically related see a doctor, if its legal see a lawyer and when its spiritual you know who to talk to, these people work within the bounds of their professional ethics.

Sometimes, joining extra curricular activity groups or forums dealing with a particular issue ( assuming you feel the urge to talk to someone) may work better, since non of the members will feel the obligation to come into your home outside the schedule of the forum's activities.

Lastly, to minimize family interference in your home never share an apartment with family or continue staying in    family house after marriage. Couples should endeavor to start a new home, properly so called,.

Let's hear your personal experiences on this issue and/or opinions on how to minimize family influence/interference in marriage.

Wedding Night jitters!

Whether you got  married as a virgin or not or you have had loads of it with your partner before marriage , a lot still goes into trying to make your wedding night a memorable one. This is because couples want to remember their wedding night for a long time.
It is however not out of place that a huge number of couples end up not able to make love on their wedding night because of the stress and fatigue associated with wedding planning/ceremonies and parties. If this turns out to be your case, don't worry, ensure the nights to follow make up for this.

Below are some tips that will help you enjoy your first night together as a couple

Plan to avoid wedding mishaps

As much as it lies within their power, couples should plan to avoid wedding mishaps. Too much alcohol and food  should be avoided. Many marriages start cracking up few hours after the wedding and a lot of it is owed to heavy drinking. You will enjoy your day but do not dance till you are dizzy and your feet starts aching. Also, delegate most of the chores that may demand your personal attention to a close/trusted ally, this way you will be sure not to pass out from exhaustion as soon as you hit the bed.

Prepare your body and mind for sex

Firstly, if you are getting married as a virgin, you should prepare your body and mind for sex. Sex is as much a physical thing as it is a psychological thing. A good disposition towards sex (for instance majoring on all the good things you have been told sex can do to your marriage) will help you relax and enjoy your first time sex. Women can feel pain the first time they have sex, but there are things you can do to minimize the pain – from going slow and being patient to using a lubricant. Be sure you know what to do before your wedding night.

Foreplay 

Foreplay is key to having satisfied sex. No matter how tired both of you are after the wedding party, you can not jeopardize your chances of a blissful first night by not engaging in foreplay . You and your partner must work together to put yourselves in the mood and ensure everyone is sizzling hot!

Talk to your partner, be intimate.
If you are feeling jittery about your wedding night, chances are your partner is too. The only remedy is to schedule a time both of you can talk about it and be as honest as ever in the discussion. Tell the truth about what you expect your wedding night to look like and be sure to share your sexual fantasies.

Express your love

Love they say, is expressed. The key to finding the perfect expression of love, however, is knowing the person you married.  You can try hugging, kissing, cuddling or whispering sweet nothings, but in all be sure that your message of affection is passed across effectively.

Set a romantic mood

Preparation can make all the difference when it comes to wedding night sex. After the ceremony and festivities, you might be exhausted. But you can make sure there will be champagne on ice, rose petals on the floor and a few candles. Either take care of it yourself the morning of the wedding or ask someone you trust to do it for you. Make sure you pack your fancy underwear and lingerie for the wedding night, too. If you forget that, however, nudity always works well.

Plan your sex life from day one

Think of your wedding night as the first night of the rest of your sex life. From the start of your sexual relationship, you should be open and comfortable with one another. You should also take responsibility for your own sexual pleasure. In other words, make a plan on how you are going to continue to pleasure one another and keep things exciting.

Keep up the passion

Married sex runs the risk of getting boring. For couples who have had lots of sex ahead of the wedding night, this can happen from the very first night. You can however spice up the passion by playing sex games and being a little more adventurous .

If you want to know more go to Guide to wedding night sex

Its My Wedding 2

I will start this post with the quote,

"After the chills and fever of love, how nice is the 98.6º of marriage"  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotics Notebook, 1960.

How aptly put! Our objective here is to try and discover, why the so chilly feelings of love which envelopes the proposal and wedding celebrations period , fade away too soon after the wedding or in the worst case scenarios usher in divorce proceedings or "celebrations" as some now see it.

One thing we have pointed out is that, a lot of women ( we will stick with the ladies) don't plan for their marriage. They plan for their wedding! They allow the euphoria of the wedding take their focus away from the main game. 

Incidentally, there are no marriage planners  ( as against wedding planners ) , which means its a job you have to do yourself, for yourself.

Marriage is to be planned for, even before you get proposed to and the planning continues way beyond the wedding.

The same way you , don't expect to see that sumptuous meal in your head, on the table without preparing or buying it, is the same way you shouldn 't expect to see the fairy tale marriage in your head, without working it out.

We  ladies should know that marriage is a union between the 'imperfect you' and the 'imperfect him', trying to find a common ground of perfection. This  means  that , if  there  are  vital  qualities  you  can  not  compromise  in  а man  then  always   make  sure  that  those  qualities  are  there  before  you  say  yes .

Have you ever wondered why some couples separate because " I love and want kids, he doesn't he loves his job" Seriously? Were you so blindly in love that you never noticed, he would readily shift tables because the kids over there were making noise? No I don't think so, you probably took it for granted that he will love kids too.
Bottom line is, if we really understand what it is we want to get into (the union called marriage) we will start planning for it from the word go!

Its My Wedding!

Congratulations! Guess you heard it a million times already.
What bride is there, that is not happy landing a man of her fantasies or having a celebrity studded, talk of the town type of wedding? Not you and definitely not me!
However I am going to be talking about some of of the things some brides probably don't get to be told or that some would rather close their ears to, that is Life after the Wedding!
A lot of hip and activity is put into planning and organizing modern weddings while little is done about the marriage proper.
Most brides-to-be, will tell you that, they were told "This is your day, you have to make it as beautiful as you want and enjoy it to the full" , "Spare nothing for your day, it's once in a life time"
There is only one thing wrong with the above statements, it suggests marriage to mean the DAY of your Wedding, which of course we know is false because, you just got started on your wedding day..

Photo graphics source-HotGlitters

The farthest, most pals and family members go in  trying to determine whether the couple will be happy in the marriage will be to ask " Do you love him/her?" As if to say that Love is all the ingredient it will take for a successful marriage. Sorry to burst your bubble; NO DARLING, LOVE IS NOT ALL IT TAKES!
I heard these same words when I started my wedding plans, and Yes I had a lovely wedding! But then I also heard that there is a difference between "the wedding" and "the marriage", so I prepared for both.
Don't get me wrong, I have not been married for long to prove it all, but just as I did all it took to make sure I had the wedding of my dreams, I am also going to do all it takes to make sure I have the marriage of my dreams. This is where a lot of women  fail.

Stay on, we will crack this!